I’m about to get really, really honest here!
I’ve always wanted to be a full-time writer. It was the goal I had been working toward even before Something to Blog About was published. My job in graphic design had always just been a back up plan, something else that I loved to do but not something I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I figured I’d work in graphic design for a few years until I got my big break.
I’m still waiting on that big break, I think. It’s funny that before you get an agent, you think your big break will be getting an agent. Then when you have an agent, your big break will be the book contract. Then you get a book contract and suddenly that’s not your big break, so your big break must be making the bestseller list.
I haven’t made the bestseller list yet, so I can’t tell you whether there’s something above that!
I started working as a web designer in November 2000. I was writing books during that time and submitting them to agents. It wasn’t until May 2006 that I did get an agent (I’ve written about my agent search before), and in December 2006, we had a two book deal. That was my dream come true. I almost wrote that as, “I thought that was my dream come true.” But no, I won’t belittle that accomplishment. It was my dream come true, to see my books in print, on a shelf in a bookstore, to have other people reading them. It’s still my dream come true. I consider myself so, so lucky to have had that experience and my heart goes out to all the writers still waiting for that moment because I know how hard and frustrating it is.
I considered quitting my graphic design job back then. I had a book deal, my dream! I was paid a good five-figure amount in my advance. It was more than I made at my day job in one year. I was on my way, I didn’t need this other job.
But I’m a cautious person by nature and so I held on. I’d wait until I had five books out, unless something big happened before then–bestseller lists or movie deals, etc. Neither of those things happened, and so I kept working while writing in whatever time I could find to squeeze it in.
And then time passed. And the books did okay, but not spectacular. I had the bad luck of debuting during the time that paranormal was taking over and no one was very interested in humorous contemporary teen love stories. (No offense to paranormal writers. I love paranormal YA! I even write it myself.) That nice five-figure advance I’d gotten became the only money I saw from my books for a year, then two years, then three.
And then I couldn’t get published again. I felt like a total loser. All of these other writers were hitting the bestseller list and popping up all over book blogs and appearing at all the conferences and why did they have it so easy when it was so hard for me? My agent stuck by me and pitched Surfacing to new publishers. A few promising bites, but always a no in the end. This was early 2011 by this time and I’d been hearing more and more about writers publishing their own books through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. I had brushed it off months before then, telling myself that I wasn’t interested in self-publishing and definitely not in ebook only. I wanted my books in stores, I wanted a publisher standing behind me.
But this time, I started paying more attention to the things I was hearing about self-publishing. It helped that I heard from my friend Katie Klein about her success with it and also read about Amanda Hocking. I realized that my current plan wasn’t getting me anywhere. I’d been stalled in one place ever since Troy High had come out in 2009. And Troy High had done pretty well as a result of being picked up by Scholastic Book Fairs. I was getting lots of emails from readers wanting to know when my next book was coming out.
What I wanted most at that moment was just to have people reading my books.
So I took a leap of faith and published The Boyfriend Thief in ebook format in July 2011. Right away, it exceeded my expectations. Selling over 800 copies in the first month on Amazon alone. Then over 1300 the next month. Sales bobbed up and down, but pretty much stayed around 1000 each month. Nearly 2,000 in January, with the after Christmas gift card buys. I released Surfacing, the book that had bombed with editors, in November 2011. Right away, it was a completely different experience than the release of The Boyfriend Thief, only selling 22 copies in its first month and then dwindling down from there, until I rereleased it with a new cover the following June, which boosted sales to 50 copies a month.
Despite Surfacing’s lack of a splash (excuse the pun), I was happy and hopeful. People were reading my books again. I was writing again, something I had been too depressed to do for a while. I released more books and though those sales never got as high as The Boyfriend Thief did, I still continued on. We got offers from foreign publishers for The Boyfriend Thief, something I had never imagined happening. And then an audio offer for The Boyfriend Thief, Surfacing, Submerging, and Overtime.
I felt lucky. I feel lucky still. When we had our 2012 taxes done, I had made so much more from my ebooks than I had thought. The most money we’ve ever made in one year throughout our twelve years of marriage. I made a few thousand more from my ebooks than I did at my day job. I had put a lot of it into savings because I’m such a cautious and frugal person. It was our rainy day fund.
I thought many, many times about quitting my day job in 2012. But then I started to see the sales of the ebooks go down. I was no longer selling over 1,000 copies a month. Then it got to where I was barely selling 200 copies a month. Definitely not enough to replace the day job. So I kept working there, even though I wasn’t happy in it.
Then January 2013, I got laid off from my day job suddenly. A nice, stable income gone. I had a decision to make: do I try to find new work, or do I try to make a go at being a full-time writer? If it wasn’t for savings, I wouldn’t have dared try it. But we had a good amount saved up and so I took another leap of faith.
It’s now been almost six months since I became a full-time writer. Let me tell you, these have been the hardest six months of my entire life. Sales dropped a lot at the beginning of this year, even with new books out. This month especially has been hard because April sales absolutely sucked! I’m not able to put anything into savings anymore, and I’ve had to take a lot more out of savings just to keep us afloat than I would prefer. We don’t do a lot of superfluous spending now. No shopping trips, no vacations, no eating out too much. Just buying gas for my husband to get to work is a strain on our bank account, even though I’m doing a lot less driving these days. We’ve lost a huge chunk of our household income at the moment. I’ve never in my adult life lived paycheck to paycheck before, but I’m figuring out now what that’s like and how hard it is. I’m taking on graphic design jobs for websites and book covers, and doing ebook formatting for other authors to help our bank account.
This month I have been filled with so much self-doubt. I don’t want to sound like I’m whining or begging anyone to buy my books (but I wouldn’t tell you no if you felt like getting something to read), that’s not what this post is about. This post is about trying to find the courage to keep reaching for a lifelong dream. I’ve been reading inspiring blogs and books lately to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing. (I just finished Career Change by Joanna Penn. A good read for those who are trying to make the move into a new career or trying to figure out what they really want to do with their lives.) Every little stepping stone of success is now a huge boulder I’ve climbed over just to keep this dream alive. Being a writer isn’t glamorous or easy. We don’t all drive expensive cars or travel the world to visit adoring fans. But it’s a dream I’ve had and something I keep fighting for because I love it and really, really want it. The only way you can survive in the writing business with your sanity intact is to love it and really want it.
Congratulations, self, on these six hard, frustrating, discouraging, maddening, wonderful months.
Because as hard as it is, I do consider myself lucky to have had this chance. Maybe it won’t work out. Maybe by December I’ll be back in an office somewhere. But I’ll consider myself lucky to have these months to live the dream I’ve had since I was a kid.
And thank you so much to my husband, who has been 100% supportive of this chance I’ve taken, even when I’m doubting every decision I’ve ever made.
(But seriously, don’t quit your day job until you have a good amount in savings!)
(I have a new appreciation for low single income families. I honestly don’t know how you guys do it. I can’t imagine trying to raise a child on our income right now.)